Strength

It's been approximately a month since my boyfriend lost his job. It's a hard time for us because our future seems a little uncertain. We had a pretty solid plan for this year and that's been thrown in the air a bit now. It's weird. We had decided we'd move in together this year, probably about April/May time when pay rises rolled in and we'd paid off Glastonbury. But now he's had to move into my little flat and I'm not sure Glastonbury is an option anymore.

We've got things looking a bit more settled but there are moments when I'm just overwhelmed by how my flat isn't really mine anymore. I'll admit I'm not good with living with other people. I've only ever lived with a boyfriend once before and that ended terribly. When I lived in my student flat I was constantly frustrated by the other people I lived with, I never socialised with them, I don't think I even remember their names.

Knowing you want to live with someone and actually living with them are different things. We've been thrown into this and there's already been one massive fight. We're adjusting and trying to figure things out. It's tough. I won't lie about that. I'm scared for what this will do to us.

And with that I'm ending this post with this video, London Grammar - 'Strong'.

Of home and friends

The title says it all.























Yeah the ones of my friends are either massively underexposed or utterly blurred. Switched from auto to manual mid shooting and this is what I got. I'm sad they didn't work out but it's all a lesson.

Laters,

P x

Home is whenever I'm with you

Well I'm back. Home in fair England. The Portuguese dream is over.

I got home yesterday afternoon and within a couple of hours was rendered with the worst being homesickness. Ended up that I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling very sorry for myself. I came home on my own so I feel kinda vulnerable at the moment. But that's nothing you want to hear.

So Portugal. For 2 months. Wow. Erm I'm struggling to think of what to say or more correctly how to put what I do want to say. It's been a funny 2 months. Funny weird, not funny ha ha. Although there have been moments of that. When I arrived I was still pretty torn up about a recent and very painful encounter with my ex. I was really unsettled and unhappy, just didn't know what to do with myself. But eventually I moved past that and settled into the very quiet Portuguese life. We were in Praia da Luz, near Lagos. It's a pretty quiet place or at least I felt it was. A few bars, a few tourist shops and that's about it. It's not somewhere to 'have it large' as some may say. I'm not a partier so that didn't bother me. However I would have liked a bit more life in the town. In general I find Portugal a bit odd. Well where we were, other parts of Portugal may be perfectly splendid but I found Praia da Luz kinda lacking. They're kinda behind the times in Portugal which if you're into that slower paced life then it works out alright. But I needed that touch more culture and life to keep me interested. I think I'm too allied to Spain to be into Portugal seriously. Portugal didn't at any point feel like home to me whereas when I'm in Spain I feel like I belong. Sorry Portugal, I like your friend Spain better, I think I'm gonna ask him to go steady with me.

So it hasn't been the 2 month excursion I expected nor wanted. But I think maybe in a lot of ways it was what I needed. I took some photographs. I did some sunbathing. I thought a hell of a lot. Most of my time was spent contemplating one aspect of my life or another. And I wrote to process my thoughts. I got some news whilst I was out there that threw me for six. It's really funny because there's a part of me that says I'm making something out of nothing, being very petty and acting like a downright moron over it. But there's the other part of me that's taken it and turned it round to become something positive for myself. That news pushed me into a mini breakdown to be honest but it took breaking down to begin building back up. I sat down and thought about what I didn't like about my life and what I wanted my life to be. And I began making plans to change that. In my last couple of weeks all I could think about was coming home and beginning all the plans I'd made. I've been plagued by the fact I've not been living the life I want to live. Since I was 17 I've pretty much lived for the guys I've dated. And that's been true up until the most recent ex. I foolishly lived for others rather than for me and it's done a great deal of damage to me. So I'm back with plans to live for myself. I don't want to hold myself back anymore so I'm working on not doing so. I don't for a minute believe I've completely changed my way of thinking. My depression and anxiety issues are still around, still bringing out the negativity in me but I'll keep working on those. In the meantime I have a fair few plans for the upcoming months. Got tickets for several gigs including one tonight, to see Dry the River at the Deaf Institute. I'm seeing my best friend tomorrow for a catch up and to finally put myself through the sobfest of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Thursday I'm supposed to be going out with another friend. Then I have a job to apply for and research to do for a few of my other plans. Essentially what I'm telling myself is that I have a life to be getting on with and that doesn't involve being hung up on my ex or any other silly issues in my life. Time to start living. Not just existing.

I doubt this has been the riveting update expected of all my Portuguese adventures. I just needed to write this stuff down in a public domain to remind myself of what I told myself I'd do. Not return to what I know and definitely no reaching out to my ex.

Anyways, that's all for now. I have things to be getting on with after all.

Love,

P x