Strength

It's been approximately a month since my boyfriend lost his job. It's a hard time for us because our future seems a little uncertain. We had a pretty solid plan for this year and that's been thrown in the air a bit now. It's weird. We had decided we'd move in together this year, probably about April/May time when pay rises rolled in and we'd paid off Glastonbury. But now he's had to move into my little flat and I'm not sure Glastonbury is an option anymore.

We've got things looking a bit more settled but there are moments when I'm just overwhelmed by how my flat isn't really mine anymore. I'll admit I'm not good with living with other people. I've only ever lived with a boyfriend once before and that ended terribly. When I lived in my student flat I was constantly frustrated by the other people I lived with, I never socialised with them, I don't think I even remember their names.

Knowing you want to live with someone and actually living with them are different things. We've been thrown into this and there's already been one massive fight. We're adjusting and trying to figure things out. It's tough. I won't lie about that. I'm scared for what this will do to us.

And with that I'm ending this post with this video, London Grammar - 'Strong'.

What I want from 2014

Hello again.

I did say I would blog more but we've had a bit of an upheaval and things are all a little bit up in the air. To cut a long story short, my lovely boyfriend has suddenly found himself jobless and we're both trying to figure out what's the best direction to go in. But that isn't for me to discuss here right now.

I wanted to come back and put in writing those successes I wanted to achieve for 2014. I'm determined not to consider these as resolutions. Resolutions just seem synonymous with failure. And I don't want to feel like I'm failing 2014 before it's even begun.

So what do I want to achieve?

Implementing lifestyle changes

Diet? No. Lifestyle changes? Yes. Recently I've fallen in love with Katie Lowe's blog, www.fatgirlphd.com. It's an amazing site which is full of brilliant advice and articles on health. In her own words, it's not just about weight loss. I do want to lose weight this year, like I've wanted to do every year but this year I plan to push myself. I'm not going on a crazy diet. I don't plan to spend every night in the gym. But I am planning on implementing lifestyle changes which will hopefully help me on my way to becoming a healthier me. The first of these has been to break my truly awful habit of not eating breakfast in the mornings. I've always said I'm not a breakfast person and the truth is, that's a load of nonsense. I was just being lazy. Imagine being too lazy to eat breakfast?! Well that was me. However I am now turning this around. I've eaten breakfast every morning for nearly two weeks. It is a small victory admittedly. But I am proud of myself considering I didn't use to bother. 

There's other lifestyle changes I want to implement, to cover them in brief:

- Drink more water

- Make my own lunches

- Try more healthy meals for dinner

- Be more active

None of these things are particularly radical but a combination of these implementations will hopefully result in a healthier me by the end of the year.

Fall back in love with my hobbies

I feel like I didn't do much in the way of indulging my own hobbies last year. 2012 was full of photography and I had endless rolls of film to be developed. In 2013 photography near enough stopped for me. And I honestly couldn't tell you why. I mean I haven't even photographed round my little flat and I've been living here for almost a year now! That's pure madness to me. So I want to pick up my cameras in 2014 and start snapping again. Several of my cameras have half finished rolls in them and there's a box of films still waiting to be developed. So the first thing to do is starting sending those films off to be developed and get those unfinished rolls finished. Then with a fresh roll of film I can get fall back in love with photography.

There's also the small matter of the shelf full of unread books. Reading has been my staple hobby since being a child. I was never seen without a book. I took something to read wherever I went and there isn't a family member alive who can't tell you about some family do or other where I brought a book. But there's been this steady decrease in my reading habits. So it's time to reverse that and finally clear this shelf of unread books. I'm not aiming for a particular number of books or target per week/month. Just to clear that shelf first would please me. So I'm back to carrying a book with me everywhere, using my 15 minute bus journeys for a quick read and tucking up with a book instead of my laptop at night. I've already finished a couple of books and I'm just starting on the Chaos Walking trilogy by Patrick Ness. I might even go back to book reviews eventually.

Not to mention blogging! Only very briefly like but I would like to fall back in regular blogging. Even if I don't gain any more readers this year. If I can maintain regular posting then I'll be happy.

Straighten up my finances

I have this lurking debt hiding in my purse. It's in the form of a student account with a rather silly overdraft. An overdraft which is almost fully drawn out. And I've been really rather slow to pay money back into the account to fill that overdraft back up. It's a constant worry but by the end of 2014 I plan to have paid that overdraft off and to change that account to a savings account. This isn't something I'm going to write a great deal about because I find talking about money incredibly personal. But I didn't want to leave it unsaid. This also means being wiser with my spending and keeping a closer eye on my outgoings and incomings.

Be more open

2013 left me feeling quite closed off from a lot of things. I think the combination of moving out on my own and losing a friend left me withdrawing from life a little. Depression comes so easily to me and feels like the more natural me. I do continually struggle to keep myself from sinking into the worst of my depression habits. But I want to put up a more active fight against my depression this year and I think the way to do that is by being more open. More open to new opportunities, new friends, old friends and more open to my boyfriend. That's nowt kinky, I just think I need to show more willing to do some of the things he wants to do. Though he does mostly want to listen to noise music. I think being more open will be all the more important when Andy and me finally move out into our own little place. I'm such a homebody that there's a high chance I'll just want to retreat into the world of our home and forget to bother going out for anything other than work. So being open and staying open will be of high priority this year. And hopefully that'll lead to a more exciting 2014.

Remember my family

Moving out and moving away from my family meant I became quite detached from them. I don't see enough of my parents and nephews anymore and this actually saddens me more than I let on. Admittedly my family drive me up the wall half the time but I do owe them a lot and I need to spend more time with them. So more evenings with my mum having tea and giggles, and more weekends with my old man and nephews. I do hope to spend more time with my older nephew in particular because he's in need of a good influence and I've always been that for him. But since moving out we don't spend as much time together and I think there's having an adverse effect on him. More time with my favourite little man will be a great benefit to us both I feel.

So that's it for me and my hopes for 2014. There are other things I have in mind but I think this post is long enough as it is. Writing some stuff out has felt pretty good and I hope that I can come back to this post at the end of 2014 to confirm that I achieved what I wanted. If I can then I'll consider 2014 a success.

Long Overdue.

13th March. The date of my last blog post. It happened to be my 100th blog post, unremarkable in its reporting of an iPhone upgrade. It also evidently turned out to be the post after which I'd take an unplanned haitus. But now I am back.

Hello again.

I would like to take a moment to explain my haitus. Like I said it was unplanned. Nothing especially spectacular happened to cause it. It just came about after a little too much thought. If you were following the blog at that point then you possibly noticed the increased gaps between posting, the drop of regular featured posts and the diminished amount of writing within the few posts I did do. To tell the truth I stopped posting because of a combination of losing interest and feeling like blogging was too big a distraction. Since leaving college and the absolute failing of finding employment the blog became a distraction for me. At first it was fun. It felt like as long as I was writing my blog then I was doing something worthwhile. But then the novelty wore off and the prolonged period of no college/no job was becoming incredibly tiresome. I needed something of actual worth to do. I needed to be earning. And blogging was distracting me from committing to finding proper work. I was too wrapped up in the internet to thoroughly apply myself to the job hunt. That damn internet. If only it weren't so distracting.

 

So why have I returned? Well because I've actually missed blogging. I may not have a massive following, I may not be changing lives with my posts nor inspiring others but I do miss putting my thoughts out there to share with the few who care to read them. I also feel I'm in a better place to take blogging back up.

So what have I been doing? Well it took roughly 6 weeks from that last post but I did manage to find a job. It's only temporary but it's better than nothing for now and I'm still applying for more permanent positions. Actually I have an interview for another job on Wednesday so fingers crossed for that. I began having something of a life again and spent time with friends both local and afar. I've tried my best to keep up with photography stuff but lack of funds has meant lack of processing abilities. Not to mention a lack of inspiration. There's a backlog of films to be processed and the results will make their way on to here eventually. I've been down to Brighton, London, Shropshire and Newquay all in the name of living. Somewhat individual posts about these things will happen as well. And lastly I've started seeing someone which has been pretty damn nice.

So that's that. And here I am. Expect more posts, perhaps not as regularly as previously but something is better than nothing.

The photos are all courtesy of my iPhone. I'm a slave to Instagram.

Laters,

Panda x

Out of 2011 and into 2012

Almost every blog I follow is doing an end of year round up and each time I read one I just feel so inadequate. Everyone seems to have achieved something this year and whilst that is undoubtedly fantastic for him or her, it leaves me pondering on my own year and what few achievements I feel I’ve scraped together.

2011 has been just another year for me. I started it on a low and I’m ending it on a low. Suffering from depression has a way of doing that to you. In the first 4 months of the year I was in a constant battle with myself over college and the relationship I wasn’t in but was still totally involved in. I was in a very toxic place which I very much needed to get out of but couldn’t. Even in the worst storms it is preferable to cling to the sharpest rock to avoid being drowned. Eventually everything came to a head and my ex-boyfriend and I walked away from each other. He sent me a message saying how he was going to work on his own issues to get better and I promised to do the same. It allowed me the respite I needed to spend my final two months of college trying to get enough work together to pass the year. Which I just about did thankfully.

In July after a painful and brief reunion with the ex, something I felt would happen on the way out to the night we would happen to see each other, we said goodbye for good and I left for Portugal for two months.

Portugal wasn’t what I expected. At first I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy where I was. I wanted so badly to go home. But eventually I began to feel better and I began to smile again. Then I took a turn for the worse, which led to a turn for the better. I began to feel great. I began to plan. My creative side woke up and the part of me that depression so masterly covers re-appeared under that Portuguese sun. I wrote and wrote, planned and planned, smiled and smiled. I got excited to come home. I felt hopeful. I felt excited by the prospect of life finally getting better.

But leaving for two months didn’t mean my problems had gone away; I’d just left them here waiting for me. Within a week of being home I was back under my depression blanket crying.

Going back to college felt painful and I felt I no longer belonged there. I tried to fit back in, tried to take up the plans I’d so eagerly made in Portugal but in the end I just didn’t want to be there anymore. So against absolutely everyone’s advice I left. I didn’t even say goodbye.

And now for this past month or two I have been here in my room feeling emptier than I have in a long while. It isn’t easy being here. I am ashamed that my life has become this. I never wanted this for myself. I just didn’t have the energy nor motivation to stop it becoming this. I have no education, no job, no prospects, no confidence and I’m still in love with someone who I can’t be with. I feel like I have little to nothing to offer anyone.

What I know I do have though is a new year ahead of me. I try not to think of resolutions and what 2012 may hold for me too much. But I want so badly to achieve something this coming year. I want at the end to look back and say, “hey I did these things and I am proud of that”. I want to not be ashamed. I want to get better.

So 2012 I’d like to suggest you and I work hard together to make this a good year for us. I’d like you to be the year I start getting my life back.

Laters,

P x

Home is whenever I'm with you

Well I'm back. Home in fair England. The Portuguese dream is over.

I got home yesterday afternoon and within a couple of hours was rendered with the worst being homesickness. Ended up that I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling very sorry for myself. I came home on my own so I feel kinda vulnerable at the moment. But that's nothing you want to hear.

So Portugal. For 2 months. Wow. Erm I'm struggling to think of what to say or more correctly how to put what I do want to say. It's been a funny 2 months. Funny weird, not funny ha ha. Although there have been moments of that. When I arrived I was still pretty torn up about a recent and very painful encounter with my ex. I was really unsettled and unhappy, just didn't know what to do with myself. But eventually I moved past that and settled into the very quiet Portuguese life. We were in Praia da Luz, near Lagos. It's a pretty quiet place or at least I felt it was. A few bars, a few tourist shops and that's about it. It's not somewhere to 'have it large' as some may say. I'm not a partier so that didn't bother me. However I would have liked a bit more life in the town. In general I find Portugal a bit odd. Well where we were, other parts of Portugal may be perfectly splendid but I found Praia da Luz kinda lacking. They're kinda behind the times in Portugal which if you're into that slower paced life then it works out alright. But I needed that touch more culture and life to keep me interested. I think I'm too allied to Spain to be into Portugal seriously. Portugal didn't at any point feel like home to me whereas when I'm in Spain I feel like I belong. Sorry Portugal, I like your friend Spain better, I think I'm gonna ask him to go steady with me.

So it hasn't been the 2 month excursion I expected nor wanted. But I think maybe in a lot of ways it was what I needed. I took some photographs. I did some sunbathing. I thought a hell of a lot. Most of my time was spent contemplating one aspect of my life or another. And I wrote to process my thoughts. I got some news whilst I was out there that threw me for six. It's really funny because there's a part of me that says I'm making something out of nothing, being very petty and acting like a downright moron over it. But there's the other part of me that's taken it and turned it round to become something positive for myself. That news pushed me into a mini breakdown to be honest but it took breaking down to begin building back up. I sat down and thought about what I didn't like about my life and what I wanted my life to be. And I began making plans to change that. In my last couple of weeks all I could think about was coming home and beginning all the plans I'd made. I've been plagued by the fact I've not been living the life I want to live. Since I was 17 I've pretty much lived for the guys I've dated. And that's been true up until the most recent ex. I foolishly lived for others rather than for me and it's done a great deal of damage to me. So I'm back with plans to live for myself. I don't want to hold myself back anymore so I'm working on not doing so. I don't for a minute believe I've completely changed my way of thinking. My depression and anxiety issues are still around, still bringing out the negativity in me but I'll keep working on those. In the meantime I have a fair few plans for the upcoming months. Got tickets for several gigs including one tonight, to see Dry the River at the Deaf Institute. I'm seeing my best friend tomorrow for a catch up and to finally put myself through the sobfest of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Thursday I'm supposed to be going out with another friend. Then I have a job to apply for and research to do for a few of my other plans. Essentially what I'm telling myself is that I have a life to be getting on with and that doesn't involve being hung up on my ex or any other silly issues in my life. Time to start living. Not just existing.

I doubt this has been the riveting update expected of all my Portuguese adventures. I just needed to write this stuff down in a public domain to remind myself of what I told myself I'd do. Not return to what I know and definitely no reaching out to my ex.

Anyways, that's all for now. I have things to be getting on with after all.

Love,

P x