Well I've done a really good job of reviving my blog haven't I? I have to question whether blogging is really the thing for me since life just continually gets in the ruddy way. Weirdly I don't feel like I'm ever actually doing anything with my life. One thing I'm definitely not doing is working on my blog. But how else am I spending my time that means I'm not able to sit down and write posts for my blog?
Truthfully it's laziness. I spend my whole day at work staring at a computer. When I get home I just want to go into mindless zone. Totally switch off from having to engage with anything. It's fine to do such things but I think I need to keep it in moderation from now on.
So the initial idea of reviving my blog was part of my 30 before 30 list. All those ideas of things I wanted to achieve before I turn 30 this coming October. How am I doing? Well...
Since October, I've achieved precisely 4 of those things. Now admittedly one of those things is especially big and utterly life changing (I'll post about that later) but c'mon, I could be doing better. We all know it.
A few weeks I sat down and looked at that list and I thought to myself, how am I going to do this? How do I get back on track? So I gave myself loose deadlines for when I hoped to achieve certain things by. I identified things I could give a definite time for and singled these out. Things that require continual work...well you've got to start something in order to continue with it.
Now let me tell you what I have definitely planned. 3 things from my list that I am definitely going to achieve before I turn 30.
1. go to Edinburgh zoo and see the pandas
This is mere weeks away. We've booked a hotel, we've booked train tickets, we've booked a late Valentines' day meal. Ok so we still need to book our actual zoo tickets and panda tickets. But oh my we're finally going to Edinburgh and I'm really excited! Will it be terribly tacky of me to wear my tartan scarf at all times?
2. go to Harry Potter studio tour again
Like many others, I'm a big Harry Potter fan. Back in August 2014 (so long ago!) I took my nephew to the Harry Potter studio tour because I had been promising him for ages and he finally pulled me up on it. He was 8 at the time. It was amazing and magical of course. But I tell you what, doing something like that for the first time wasn't as amazing and as magical as it could have been if I'd gone with my peers. So I asked my mate if she wanted to go for her birthday. And I finally pinned her down on a date. So at the beginning of May, we're off to cry about Harry Potter together and drink a butterbeer.
27. go on a trip to Aberystwyth
This one might have seemed a little random when I included it on my list. But my other half's family (on his dad's side) are from Wales originally. So we talked a while back about going on a trip to Wales at some point. Since there's a cousin in Aberystwyth, we're going to see her and her family. We've booked a nice hotel on the coast for a few days over my boyfriend's birthday in June. We're mostly going to see family, enjoy some nice walks, and spend quite a bit of time in pubs. Sounds perfect to me.
How's that? 3 adventures planned before October. In the grand scheme of my 30 before 30 list, it might not seem much. I guess planning trips is pretty easy really. But I'm trying. Really I am!
I have a couple of other things I need to post about and hopefully I'll find some time over the coming weekend to work on those. But stick with me, I will pick this blogging lark back up again.
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
27 January 2016
6 October 2015
30 before 30!
On 3rd October, I turned 29. The idea of this did not remotely bother me leading up to the day itself. I don't get all worked up about birthdays, it's just another day after all. But come the big day and this phrase kept ticking over in my mind, '30 before 30'.
It was perhaps inspired by a friend's Facebook status about what she wanted to achieve before her 30th. I scoffed at it initially. Discussed it with my boyfriend (who turned 30 earlier this year) and laughed about the ridiculous goals that people in general set for themselves.
But then that phrase kept going round in my head. Before I knew it, I had 6 ideas written down. Then 11 ideas. And then I was sitting at my desk trying to think of 19 more (and feeling very frustrated when they weren't immediately obvious).
I wanted to set ideas that I believe are genuinely realistic and achievable. Researching the concept of '30 before 30', I came across list after list that were filled with ideas which were financially impossible unless you are flush with cash or incredibly well connected. I am neither of those things. I also wanted to avoid setting ideas that resembled the usual dross you see around new year. This isn't about changing who I am as a person or setting myself up for failure. This is about experiences, achievements, and ideas that I could actually do.
So here's my list, my '30 before 30'...
It was perhaps inspired by a friend's Facebook status about what she wanted to achieve before her 30th. I scoffed at it initially. Discussed it with my boyfriend (who turned 30 earlier this year) and laughed about the ridiculous goals that people in general set for themselves.
But then that phrase kept going round in my head. Before I knew it, I had 6 ideas written down. Then 11 ideas. And then I was sitting at my desk trying to think of 19 more (and feeling very frustrated when they weren't immediately obvious).
I wanted to set ideas that I believe are genuinely realistic and achievable. Researching the concept of '30 before 30', I came across list after list that were filled with ideas which were financially impossible unless you are flush with cash or incredibly well connected. I am neither of those things. I also wanted to avoid setting ideas that resembled the usual dross you see around new year. This isn't about changing who I am as a person or setting myself up for failure. This is about experiences, achievements, and ideas that I could actually do.
So here's my list, my '30 before 30'...
These aren't in any particular order, I recorded them as I thought of them. And my boyfriend has already sweetly pointed out the contradiction of buying a car and working towards being debt free. But c'mon, I'm not looking for an expensive car and by the end of this year I'll be down to just my loan to pay off.
Now I did plan to write a little explanation for each of these but I think this post has been long enough as it is. Some of these things are already in progress which is a pretty encouraging start! By posting this then I'm already working on #4, revive my blog. And I plan to post for each idea I achieve so you can look forward to at least 29 more posts in the future.
Wish me luck!
10 February 2014
Strength
It's been approximately a month since my boyfriend lost his job. It's a hard time for us because our future seems a little uncertain. We had a pretty solid plan for this year and that's been thrown in the air a bit now. It's weird. We had decided we'd move in together this year, probably about April/May time when pay rises rolled in and we'd paid off Glastonbury. But now he's had to move into my little flat and I'm not sure Glastonbury is an option anymore.
We've got things looking a bit more settled but there are moments when I'm just overwhelmed by how my flat isn't really mine anymore. I'll admit I'm not good with living with other people. I've only ever lived with a boyfriend once before and that ended terribly. When I lived in my student flat I was constantly frustrated by the other people I lived with, I never socialised with them, I don't think I even remember their names.
Knowing you want to live with someone and actually living with them are different things. We've been thrown into this and there's already been one massive fight. We're adjusting and trying to figure things out. It's tough. I won't lie about that. I'm scared for what this will do to us.
And with that I'm ending this post with this video, London Grammar - 'Strong'.
We've got things looking a bit more settled but there are moments when I'm just overwhelmed by how my flat isn't really mine anymore. I'll admit I'm not good with living with other people. I've only ever lived with a boyfriend once before and that ended terribly. When I lived in my student flat I was constantly frustrated by the other people I lived with, I never socialised with them, I don't think I even remember their names.
Knowing you want to live with someone and actually living with them are different things. We've been thrown into this and there's already been one massive fight. We're adjusting and trying to figure things out. It's tough. I won't lie about that. I'm scared for what this will do to us.
And with that I'm ending this post with this video, London Grammar - 'Strong'.
16 January 2014
What I want from 2014
Hello again.
I did say I would blog more but we've had a bit of an upheaval and things are all a little bit up in the air. To cut a long story short, my lovely boyfriend has suddenly found himself jobless and we're both trying to figure out what's the best direction to go in. But that isn't for me to discuss here right now.
I wanted to come back and put in writing those successes I wanted to achieve for 2014. I'm determined not to consider these as resolutions. Resolutions just seem synonymous with failure. And I don't want to feel like I'm failing 2014 before it's even begun.
So what do I want to achieve?
Implementing lifestyle changes
Diet? No. Lifestyle changes? Yes. Recently I've fallen in love with Katie Lowe's blog, www.fatgirlphd.com. It's an amazing site which is full of brilliant advice and articles on health. In her own words, it's not just about weight loss. I do want to lose weight this year, like I've wanted to do every year but this year I plan to push myself. I'm not going on a crazy diet. I don't plan to spend every night in the gym. But I am planning on implementing lifestyle changes which will hopefully help me on my way to becoming a healthier me. The first of these has been to break my truly awful habit of not eating breakfast in the mornings. I've always said I'm not a breakfast person and the truth is, that's a load of nonsense. I was just being lazy. Imagine being too lazy to eat breakfast?! Well that was me. However I am now turning this around. I've eaten breakfast every morning for nearly two weeks. It is a small victory admittedly. But I am proud of myself considering I didn't use to bother.
There's other lifestyle changes I want to implement, to cover them in brief:
- Drink more water
- Make my own lunches
- Try more healthy meals for dinner
- Be more active
None of these things are particularly radical but a combination of these implementations will hopefully result in a healthier me by the end of the year.
Fall back in love with my hobbies
I feel like I didn't do much in the way of indulging my own hobbies last year. 2012 was full of photography and I had endless rolls of film to be developed. In 2013 photography near enough stopped for me. And I honestly couldn't tell you why. I mean I haven't even photographed round my little flat and I've been living here for almost a year now! That's pure madness to me. So I want to pick up my cameras in 2014 and start snapping again. Several of my cameras have half finished rolls in them and there's a box of films still waiting to be developed. So the first thing to do is starting sending those films off to be developed and get those unfinished rolls finished. Then with a fresh roll of film I can get fall back in love with photography.
There's also the small matter of the shelf full of unread books. Reading has been my staple hobby since being a child. I was never seen without a book. I took something to read wherever I went and there isn't a family member alive who can't tell you about some family do or other where I brought a book. But there's been this steady decrease in my reading habits. So it's time to reverse that and finally clear this shelf of unread books. I'm not aiming for a particular number of books or target per week/month. Just to clear that shelf first would please me. So I'm back to carrying a book with me everywhere, using my 15 minute bus journeys for a quick read and tucking up with a book instead of my laptop at night. I've already finished a couple of books and I'm just starting on the Chaos Walking trilogy by Patrick Ness. I might even go back to book reviews eventually.
Not to mention blogging! Only very briefly like but I would like to fall back in regular blogging. Even if I don't gain any more readers this year. If I can maintain regular posting then I'll be happy.
Straighten up my finances
I have this lurking debt hiding in my purse. It's in the form of a student account with a rather silly overdraft. An overdraft which is almost fully drawn out. And I've been really rather slow to pay money back into the account to fill that overdraft back up. It's a constant worry but by the end of 2014 I plan to have paid that overdraft off and to change that account to a savings account. This isn't something I'm going to write a great deal about because I find talking about money incredibly personal. But I didn't want to leave it unsaid. This also means being wiser with my spending and keeping a closer eye on my outgoings and incomings.
Be more open
2013 left me feeling quite closed off from a lot of things. I think the combination of moving out on my own and losing a friend left me withdrawing from life a little. Depression comes so easily to me and feels like the more natural me. I do continually struggle to keep myself from sinking into the worst of my depression habits. But I want to put up a more active fight against my depression this year and I think the way to do that is by being more open. More open to new opportunities, new friends, old friends and more open to my boyfriend. That's nowt kinky, I just think I need to show more willing to do some of the things he wants to do. Though he does mostly want to listen to noise music. I think being more open will be all the more important when Andy and me finally move out into our own little place. I'm such a homebody that there's a high chance I'll just want to retreat into the world of our home and forget to bother going out for anything other than work. So being open and staying open will be of high priority this year. And hopefully that'll lead to a more exciting 2014.
Remember my family
Moving out and moving away from my family meant I became quite detached from them. I don't see enough of my parents and nephews anymore and this actually saddens me more than I let on. Admittedly my family drive me up the wall half the time but I do owe them a lot and I need to spend more time with them. So more evenings with my mum having tea and giggles, and more weekends with my old man and nephews. I do hope to spend more time with my older nephew in particular because he's in need of a good influence and I've always been that for him. But since moving out we don't spend as much time together and I think there's having an adverse effect on him. More time with my favourite little man will be a great benefit to us both I feel.
So that's it for me and my hopes for 2014. There are other things I have in mind but I think this post is long enough as it is. Writing some stuff out has felt pretty good and I hope that I can come back to this post at the end of 2014 to confirm that I achieved what I wanted. If I can then I'll consider 2014 a success.
4 January 2014
An unexpected return
2013 kind of ran right past me. It was a funny year to say the least.
I'm back now though. I'm ready to get back into where I was and hopefully build on that. There's been some change here on the blog, a new name and a new layout. It felt right to do that.
The beginning of a new year does bring a renewed sense of hope. It feels like I'm open to getting back on track. 2014 feels like a gift, a huge opportunity, a year for change.
Of course I could just be being swept up in the romance of these precious first days of a new year and everything could come crashing back down around me by February. But let's hope not.
I'm not setting resolutions for this year. I'm just planning to achieve. I want to look back at the end of the year and be able to count off all the successes I've had.
You see 2013 didn't feel very successful. Don't get me wrong, there's been some big changes. I moved into my own little flat and away from a toxic relationship with my brother. Cutting him out of my life has been a big thing for me, a good thing. I successfully became a permanent employee at my job and have been working hard ever since which has led to other elements of my life being put to one side. My relationship is now a wonderful 18 months old and I'm thankful every day for my lovely boyfriend. And I finally fulfilled a desire I've had since I was a young teenager and began what I suspect will be an ongoing addiction to tattoos, getting the first two of many planned designs.
But 2013 brought loss as well. A brilliant friend suddenly passed away in April and the loss has been a deep blow. Others close to me have also said goodbye to family and friends as well and it's felt like 2013 has been blanketed with unexpected and tragic death. Not to bring things down but it's all played on my mind.
It's not only losing loved ones that's affected me. I've felt this creeping sense of losing myself as well in 2013. For a while I was convinced that I had a good solid grasp on my depression but there have been some low points that I've really struggled with. Times when I just wanted to disappear.
2014 though. 2014 feels different. It feels exciting. It feels like there's lots to be done and lots of experiences to be had this year. I feel positive in a way that I haven't felt in quite a long time.
I'm positively excited for 2014.
So forgive me for the prolonged absence and hopefully join me in embracing this new year ahead.
30 December 2011
Out of 2011 and into 2012
Almost every blog I follow is doing an end of year round up and each time I read one I just feel so inadequate. Everyone seems to have achieved something this year and whilst that is undoubtedly fantastic for him or her, it leaves me pondering on my own year and what few achievements I feel I’ve scraped together.
2011 has been just another year for me. I started it on a low and I’m ending it on a low. Suffering from depression has a way of doing that to you. In the first 4 months of the year I was in a constant battle with myself over college and the relationship I wasn’t in but was still totally involved in. I was in a very toxic place which I very much needed to get out of but couldn’t. Even in the worst storms it is preferable to cling to the sharpest rock to avoid being drowned. Eventually everything came to a head and my ex-boyfriend and I walked away from each other. He sent me a message saying how he was going to work on his own issues to get better and I promised to do the same. It allowed me the respite I needed to spend my final two months of college trying to get enough work together to pass the year. Which I just about did thankfully.
In July after a painful and brief reunion with the ex, something I felt would happen on the way out to the night we would happen to see each other, we said goodbye for good and I left for Portugal for two months.
Portugal wasn’t what I expected. At first I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy where I was. I wanted so badly to go home. But eventually I began to feel better and I began to smile again. Then I took a turn for the worse, which led to a turn for the better. I began to feel great. I began to plan. My creative side woke up and the part of me that depression so masterly covers re-appeared under that Portuguese sun. I wrote and wrote, planned and planned, smiled and smiled. I got excited to come home. I felt hopeful. I felt excited by the prospect of life finally getting better.
But leaving for two months didn’t mean my problems had gone away; I’d just left them here waiting for me. Within a week of being home I was back under my depression blanket crying.
Going back to college felt painful and I felt I no longer belonged there. I tried to fit back in, tried to take up the plans I’d so eagerly made in Portugal but in the end I just didn’t want to be there anymore. So against absolutely everyone’s advice I left. I didn’t even say goodbye.
And now for this past month or two I have been here in my room feeling emptier than I have in a long while. It isn’t easy being here. I am ashamed that my life has become this. I never wanted this for myself. I just didn’t have the energy nor motivation to stop it becoming this. I have no education, no job, no prospects, no confidence and I’m still in love with someone who I can’t be with. I feel like I have little to nothing to offer anyone.
What I know I do have though is a new year ahead of me. I try not to think of resolutions and what 2012 may hold for me too much. But I want so badly to achieve something this coming year. I want at the end to look back and say, “hey I did these things and I am proud of that”. I want to not be ashamed. I want to get better.
So 2012 I’d like to suggest you and I work hard together to make this a good year for us. I’d like you to be the year I start getting my life back.
Laters,
P x
2011 has been just another year for me. I started it on a low and I’m ending it on a low. Suffering from depression has a way of doing that to you. In the first 4 months of the year I was in a constant battle with myself over college and the relationship I wasn’t in but was still totally involved in. I was in a very toxic place which I very much needed to get out of but couldn’t. Even in the worst storms it is preferable to cling to the sharpest rock to avoid being drowned. Eventually everything came to a head and my ex-boyfriend and I walked away from each other. He sent me a message saying how he was going to work on his own issues to get better and I promised to do the same. It allowed me the respite I needed to spend my final two months of college trying to get enough work together to pass the year. Which I just about did thankfully.
In July after a painful and brief reunion with the ex, something I felt would happen on the way out to the night we would happen to see each other, we said goodbye for good and I left for Portugal for two months.
Portugal wasn’t what I expected. At first I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy where I was. I wanted so badly to go home. But eventually I began to feel better and I began to smile again. Then I took a turn for the worse, which led to a turn for the better. I began to feel great. I began to plan. My creative side woke up and the part of me that depression so masterly covers re-appeared under that Portuguese sun. I wrote and wrote, planned and planned, smiled and smiled. I got excited to come home. I felt hopeful. I felt excited by the prospect of life finally getting better.
But leaving for two months didn’t mean my problems had gone away; I’d just left them here waiting for me. Within a week of being home I was back under my depression blanket crying.
Going back to college felt painful and I felt I no longer belonged there. I tried to fit back in, tried to take up the plans I’d so eagerly made in Portugal but in the end I just didn’t want to be there anymore. So against absolutely everyone’s advice I left. I didn’t even say goodbye.
And now for this past month or two I have been here in my room feeling emptier than I have in a long while. It isn’t easy being here. I am ashamed that my life has become this. I never wanted this for myself. I just didn’t have the energy nor motivation to stop it becoming this. I have no education, no job, no prospects, no confidence and I’m still in love with someone who I can’t be with. I feel like I have little to nothing to offer anyone.
What I know I do have though is a new year ahead of me. I try not to think of resolutions and what 2012 may hold for me too much. But I want so badly to achieve something this coming year. I want at the end to look back and say, “hey I did these things and I am proud of that”. I want to not be ashamed. I want to get better.
So 2012 I’d like to suggest you and I work hard together to make this a good year for us. I’d like you to be the year I start getting my life back.
Laters,
P x
20 October 2011
Becoming a photographer.
I have this little problem. Which I'm not quite sure how to handle. I suspect quite a few people experience this as well. My mum, when the opportunity arises, presents herself as my biggest fan and sells me to other people as significantly greater than I actually am. As sweet and flattering as this is it does cause me some embarrassment.
Allow me to explain. My mum is trained supervisor and she has her own little collection of visiting students. Whatever that means. I've never understood what my mum does no matter how many times she explains it to me. Anyways one of her students is a chap called Paul, lovely Scottish guy who I found out tonight also works in the media. During tonight's session with my mum he mentioned a project he's arranging, an arts exhibition with some UK and New York based artists. After the session, mum probed him further on this because anything arts related mum thinks of me also. Well then she called me downstairs to briefly chat with Paul. He asks me the usual questions someone asks when they find out I'm studying photography. I respond with the usual answers I give. Every so often mum chips in and "sells" me as a great photographer. I'm not sure entirely where this conversation is leading but there's a hint of maybe getting me some work at ITV or BBC when my course is finished as well as getting me involved in the exhibition that Paul is organising (not to exhibit but to work at). Then he says one of my most dreaded phrases when talking about photography, "Maybe I could take a look at your work sometime."
Disaster.
You see I don't consider myself a photographer. I refuse to use that term when describing myself. I am, and probably will be for a while, a photography student. I'm still very much in the learning stages. And unfortunately those learning stages aren't going so great but I am sticking it out because giving up isn't really an option. But that's beside the point. I am not a photographer. I'll correct people if they call me that. I don't have a portfolio or a website. I don't even have a Facebook page for my photography. I've got a Flickr and that's about it. I'm not trying to sell myself as a photographer. I won't shoot your wedding or your kids portraits, that's for sure. I don't even bother taking my camera to any gigs I attend. So what kind of photographer could I possibly be?
I've always had this thing of beating myself up a little for not always carrying my camera on me, not always taking photographs at every opportunity, for not gathering this mass of photography work. What I've been teaching myself recently is that there is no need for this. I'm just not that kind of photography student. I like taking photographs when I feel like taking photographs. If I don't feel I'll be happy with the photographs I'm getting I won't shoot. It's a waste of effort and causes me frustration. And I have to stop feeling guilty over this kind of thing. It doesn't matter. I'm not here to impress anyone with my photography.
My tutor asked me recently where do I see myself when I finish my course. I actually laughed in response. Truth is I don't know. I have never known what I've wanted to do in the future from the age of 13 onwards. Be happy apparently isn't the right answer. I'm content to try my hand at different things. I don't care for grand success or wealth. They'd be nice but it's all not I'm aiming for in life. Maybe this makes me lacking in ambition. But I don't care. All I wanted to do when I signed up to this course was learn how to take better photographs. I actually don't feel like I have as of yet. I have learnt to read photographs better and appreciate the conceptual side of photography. It's opened me up to that for sure. But technically I'm no better now than I was when I started. This is no end of frustration to me. But I'm slowly getting past that as well.
As you know I've recently turned away from digital and moved to analogue because this is the photography I like. I don't want to see that a shot hasn't worked out right away then spend 5-10 minutes trying to figure it out to get it right. I want to shoot with reckless abandon then look at the results afterwards. If they've worked, fantastic. If they haven't, oh well. I can't explain to you how exciting it was to get that first roll of film back from my Olympus. To see those shots sent a thrill through me. More so than anything else I've ever shot. If I have to have a portfolio (which according to my tutor, I do) I'd rather it be built from the analogue shots I've taken. But there's still this pressure to have a technically and conceptually brilliant portfolio so I'm forced to produce work I don't really care for. My portfolio will have to contain some of the work I've produced digitally because my analogue work isn't currently strong enough to be featured. And it's unlikely to become any stronger with this next project. But then again how often will I be in situations in future when I have to show a portfolio? I'm not trying to sell myself to anyone for a job within the industry. I'm not bothered by commissions. Just give me space to do my own work.
So when Paul next comes over, I don't know what I'll do. What work do I show him? The stuff I've produced for college, for which I have no passion for? Or the few analogue shots that I've taken that I love? How do you explain to someone that really you aren't bothered about becoming a professional photographer but you love photography more than anything else? That you'll work in any way that allows you to be around photography even if you're not shooting anything yourself? My ambitions for photography revolve mostly around just doing what I like, what I want, what I love. Whether that's working with models in the studio or working more conceptually to produce something more fine arts based. Heck sometimes I even like indulging in the cardinal sin of photography, taking a photograph because it makes a pretty picture.
So what kind of photographer will I be? Will I ever get to a point where I can class myself as a photographer? Do I even want to?
I often wonder if I'm on the wrong course...
Laters,
P x
Allow me to explain. My mum is trained supervisor and she has her own little collection of visiting students. Whatever that means. I've never understood what my mum does no matter how many times she explains it to me. Anyways one of her students is a chap called Paul, lovely Scottish guy who I found out tonight also works in the media. During tonight's session with my mum he mentioned a project he's arranging, an arts exhibition with some UK and New York based artists. After the session, mum probed him further on this because anything arts related mum thinks of me also. Well then she called me downstairs to briefly chat with Paul. He asks me the usual questions someone asks when they find out I'm studying photography. I respond with the usual answers I give. Every so often mum chips in and "sells" me as a great photographer. I'm not sure entirely where this conversation is leading but there's a hint of maybe getting me some work at ITV or BBC when my course is finished as well as getting me involved in the exhibition that Paul is organising (not to exhibit but to work at). Then he says one of my most dreaded phrases when talking about photography, "Maybe I could take a look at your work sometime."
Disaster.
You see I don't consider myself a photographer. I refuse to use that term when describing myself. I am, and probably will be for a while, a photography student. I'm still very much in the learning stages. And unfortunately those learning stages aren't going so great but I am sticking it out because giving up isn't really an option. But that's beside the point. I am not a photographer. I'll correct people if they call me that. I don't have a portfolio or a website. I don't even have a Facebook page for my photography. I've got a Flickr and that's about it. I'm not trying to sell myself as a photographer. I won't shoot your wedding or your kids portraits, that's for sure. I don't even bother taking my camera to any gigs I attend. So what kind of photographer could I possibly be?
I've always had this thing of beating myself up a little for not always carrying my camera on me, not always taking photographs at every opportunity, for not gathering this mass of photography work. What I've been teaching myself recently is that there is no need for this. I'm just not that kind of photography student. I like taking photographs when I feel like taking photographs. If I don't feel I'll be happy with the photographs I'm getting I won't shoot. It's a waste of effort and causes me frustration. And I have to stop feeling guilty over this kind of thing. It doesn't matter. I'm not here to impress anyone with my photography.
My tutor asked me recently where do I see myself when I finish my course. I actually laughed in response. Truth is I don't know. I have never known what I've wanted to do in the future from the age of 13 onwards. Be happy apparently isn't the right answer. I'm content to try my hand at different things. I don't care for grand success or wealth. They'd be nice but it's all not I'm aiming for in life. Maybe this makes me lacking in ambition. But I don't care. All I wanted to do when I signed up to this course was learn how to take better photographs. I actually don't feel like I have as of yet. I have learnt to read photographs better and appreciate the conceptual side of photography. It's opened me up to that for sure. But technically I'm no better now than I was when I started. This is no end of frustration to me. But I'm slowly getting past that as well.
As you know I've recently turned away from digital and moved to analogue because this is the photography I like. I don't want to see that a shot hasn't worked out right away then spend 5-10 minutes trying to figure it out to get it right. I want to shoot with reckless abandon then look at the results afterwards. If they've worked, fantastic. If they haven't, oh well. I can't explain to you how exciting it was to get that first roll of film back from my Olympus. To see those shots sent a thrill through me. More so than anything else I've ever shot. If I have to have a portfolio (which according to my tutor, I do) I'd rather it be built from the analogue shots I've taken. But there's still this pressure to have a technically and conceptually brilliant portfolio so I'm forced to produce work I don't really care for. My portfolio will have to contain some of the work I've produced digitally because my analogue work isn't currently strong enough to be featured. And it's unlikely to become any stronger with this next project. But then again how often will I be in situations in future when I have to show a portfolio? I'm not trying to sell myself to anyone for a job within the industry. I'm not bothered by commissions. Just give me space to do my own work.
So when Paul next comes over, I don't know what I'll do. What work do I show him? The stuff I've produced for college, for which I have no passion for? Or the few analogue shots that I've taken that I love? How do you explain to someone that really you aren't bothered about becoming a professional photographer but you love photography more than anything else? That you'll work in any way that allows you to be around photography even if you're not shooting anything yourself? My ambitions for photography revolve mostly around just doing what I like, what I want, what I love. Whether that's working with models in the studio or working more conceptually to produce something more fine arts based. Heck sometimes I even like indulging in the cardinal sin of photography, taking a photograph because it makes a pretty picture.
So what kind of photographer will I be? Will I ever get to a point where I can class myself as a photographer? Do I even want to?
I often wonder if I'm on the wrong course...
Laters,
P x
4 October 2011
22 September 2011
Back to school.
Yes it really is 4:35am as I begin this post.
My sleeping pattern has been totally messed up this past week in that I've been going to bed at roughly 6 in the morning and waking up about midday. Last night I shut everything off at 10pm and was probably asleep by 11pm. Then I woke up at 3am and haven't been able to get back to sleep since. So what choice do I have but to start my day now?
I'm due back at college later today, at 9:30am to be precise. It's only to enrol again and do those silly tests for your Maths and English skills. But I am overwhelmingly nervous about it. I feel like I'll no longer fit in with the rest of my class having been away for two months. But there's also a part of me that isn't bothered by this possibility. I kind of want to be left to my own devices this year. I'm actively choosing to exclude myself somewhat. I wrote up a lengthy plan of action for college this year and I intend to stick to it. And sadly that means somewhat distancing myself from my classmates. I don't want any distractions this year. I'm aiming to do better than my first year and coming out of this course with a grade to be proud of. As well as a portfolio of work that I'm actually happy with.
We already have our first mini project, a studio shoot with photographer Jillian Lochner. She's coming in to do a lighting masterclass with us and has asked us to plan a shoot. It does mention this is being done in groups but I don't know how collaborative a project they're expecting. Maybe I'll find out later today. But more than likely, knowing my tutors, we won't find out until the day before or the morning of the shoots next week. Still, it's best to be prepared whatever happens.
So I'm back to education after a summer of relaxation. I'd say I'm ready for this but following the past week or so of being home I'm not so sure anymore. I'll over thought like I usually do. Really must curb that habit.
Of course the very best part of going back to school is a return of the glorious student loan. I can finally treat myself to some new clothes and new shiny things. A 35mm SLR is at the top of the list so expect to see a post about that soon enough.
My sleeping pattern has been totally messed up this past week in that I've been going to bed at roughly 6 in the morning and waking up about midday. Last night I shut everything off at 10pm and was probably asleep by 11pm. Then I woke up at 3am and haven't been able to get back to sleep since. So what choice do I have but to start my day now?
I'm due back at college later today, at 9:30am to be precise. It's only to enrol again and do those silly tests for your Maths and English skills. But I am overwhelmingly nervous about it. I feel like I'll no longer fit in with the rest of my class having been away for two months. But there's also a part of me that isn't bothered by this possibility. I kind of want to be left to my own devices this year. I'm actively choosing to exclude myself somewhat. I wrote up a lengthy plan of action for college this year and I intend to stick to it. And sadly that means somewhat distancing myself from my classmates. I don't want any distractions this year. I'm aiming to do better than my first year and coming out of this course with a grade to be proud of. As well as a portfolio of work that I'm actually happy with.
We already have our first mini project, a studio shoot with photographer Jillian Lochner. She's coming in to do a lighting masterclass with us and has asked us to plan a shoot. It does mention this is being done in groups but I don't know how collaborative a project they're expecting. Maybe I'll find out later today. But more than likely, knowing my tutors, we won't find out until the day before or the morning of the shoots next week. Still, it's best to be prepared whatever happens.
So I'm back to education after a summer of relaxation. I'd say I'm ready for this but following the past week or so of being home I'm not so sure anymore. I'll over thought like I usually do. Really must curb that habit.
Of course the very best part of going back to school is a return of the glorious student loan. I can finally treat myself to some new clothes and new shiny things. A 35mm SLR is at the top of the list so expect to see a post about that soon enough.
13 June 2011
6 June 2011
Uh oh...
Sometimes you go to college and your best friend shows up wearing the exact same outfit as you down to the long, silver necklace and lip piercing. We're too cool.
2 June 2011
Let's start at the beginning...
Well hello!
I suppose this is the first post of my blog. I'm not really sure how one goes about starting a blog so I figure I'll just type some stuff and it'll be seen by very few people, in fact probably none, so I don't have to worry about being witty or coming across as interesting.
I'll just go through a quick introduction I guess, a wee bit of info about me.
Well I'm Panda. I'll be 25 in October. I'm currently studying photography and digital imaging in Manchester for which I'm just about coming to the end of my first year. I'm a fan of quite a lot of things so this blog won't be solely focused on my studies. There will obviously be photography related stuff but I'll branch out to discuss other things as well.
And I suppose that's really all I have to say for now. I'm hoping to update this on a somewhat regular basis now I'll have a lot more free time over summer. It'd be nice to get some readers along the way.
But for now this'll do as a first post.
Cheers, P x
P.S. I guess it's only right to add a photo to the blog of a photography student. So I'll include one here.
Just so you know, I mostly look like this. I'm the one on the left. My friend Suzi is on the right.
I suppose this is the first post of my blog. I'm not really sure how one goes about starting a blog so I figure I'll just type some stuff and it'll be seen by very few people, in fact probably none, so I don't have to worry about being witty or coming across as interesting.
I'll just go through a quick introduction I guess, a wee bit of info about me.
Well I'm Panda. I'll be 25 in October. I'm currently studying photography and digital imaging in Manchester for which I'm just about coming to the end of my first year. I'm a fan of quite a lot of things so this blog won't be solely focused on my studies. There will obviously be photography related stuff but I'll branch out to discuss other things as well.
And I suppose that's really all I have to say for now. I'm hoping to update this on a somewhat regular basis now I'll have a lot more free time over summer. It'd be nice to get some readers along the way.
But for now this'll do as a first post.
Cheers, P x
P.S. I guess it's only right to add a photo to the blog of a photography student. So I'll include one here.
Just so you know, I mostly look like this. I'm the one on the left. My friend Suzi is on the right.
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