I have this little problem. Which I'm not quite sure how to handle. I suspect quite a few people experience this as well. My mum, when the opportunity arises, presents herself as my biggest fan and sells me to other people as significantly greater than I actually am. As sweet and flattering as this is it does cause me some embarrassment.
Allow me to explain. My mum is trained supervisor and she has her own little collection of visiting students. Whatever that means. I've never understood what my mum does no matter how many times she explains it to me. Anyways one of her students is a chap called Paul, lovely Scottish guy who I found out tonight also works in the media. During tonight's session with my mum he mentioned a project he's arranging, an arts exhibition with some UK and New York based artists. After the session, mum probed him further on this because anything arts related mum thinks of me also. Well then she called me downstairs to briefly chat with Paul. He asks me the usual questions someone asks when they find out I'm studying photography. I respond with the usual answers I give. Every so often mum chips in and "sells" me as a great photographer. I'm not sure entirely where this conversation is leading but there's a hint of maybe getting me some work at ITV or BBC when my course is finished as well as getting me involved in the exhibition that Paul is organising (not to exhibit but to work at). Then he says one of my most dreaded phrases when talking about photography, "Maybe I could take a look at your work sometime."
Disaster.
You see I don't consider myself a photographer. I refuse to use that term when describing myself. I am, and probably will be for a while, a photography student. I'm still very much in the learning stages. And unfortunately those learning stages aren't going so great but I am sticking it out because giving up isn't really an option. But that's beside the point. I am not a photographer. I'll correct people if they call me that. I don't have a portfolio or a website. I don't even have a Facebook page for my photography. I've got a Flickr and that's about it. I'm not trying to sell myself as a photographer. I won't shoot your wedding or your kids portraits, that's for sure. I don't even bother taking my camera to any gigs I attend. So what kind of photographer could I possibly be?
I've always had this thing of beating myself up a little for not always carrying my camera on me, not always taking photographs at every opportunity, for not gathering this mass of photography work. What I've been teaching myself recently is that there is no need for this. I'm just not that kind of photography student. I like taking photographs when I feel like taking photographs. If I don't feel I'll be happy with the photographs I'm getting I won't shoot. It's a waste of effort and causes me frustration. And I have to stop feeling guilty over this kind of thing. It doesn't matter. I'm not here to impress anyone with my photography.
My tutor asked me recently where do I see myself when I finish my course. I actually laughed in response. Truth is I don't know. I have never known what I've wanted to do in the future from the age of 13 onwards. Be happy apparently isn't the right answer. I'm content to try my hand at different things. I don't care for grand success or wealth. They'd be nice but it's all not I'm aiming for in life. Maybe this makes me lacking in ambition. But I don't care. All I wanted to do when I signed up to this course was learn how to take better photographs. I actually don't feel like I have as of yet. I have learnt to read photographs better and appreciate the conceptual side of photography. It's opened me up to that for sure. But technically I'm no better now than I was when I started. This is no end of frustration to me. But I'm slowly getting past that as well.
As you know I've recently turned away from digital and moved to analogue because this is the photography I like. I don't want to see that a shot hasn't worked out right away then spend 5-10 minutes trying to figure it out to get it right. I want to shoot with reckless abandon then look at the results afterwards. If they've worked, fantastic. If they haven't, oh well. I can't explain to you how exciting it was to get that first roll of film back from my Olympus. To see those shots sent a thrill through me. More so than anything else I've ever shot. If I have to have a portfolio (which according to my tutor, I do) I'd rather it be built from the analogue shots I've taken. But there's still this pressure to have a technically and conceptually brilliant portfolio so I'm forced to produce work I don't really care for. My portfolio will have to contain some of the work I've produced digitally because my analogue work isn't currently strong enough to be featured. And it's unlikely to become any stronger with this next project. But then again how often will I be in situations in future when I have to show a portfolio? I'm not trying to sell myself to anyone for a job within the industry. I'm not bothered by commissions. Just give me space to do my own work.
So when Paul next comes over, I don't know what I'll do. What work do I show him? The stuff I've produced for college, for which I have no passion for? Or the few analogue shots that I've taken that I love? How do you explain to someone that really you aren't bothered about becoming a professional photographer but you love photography more than anything else? That you'll work in any way that allows you to be around photography even if you're not shooting anything yourself? My ambitions for photography revolve mostly around just doing what I like, what I want, what I love. Whether that's working with models in the studio or working more conceptually to produce something more fine arts based. Heck sometimes I even like indulging in the cardinal sin of photography, taking a photograph because it makes a pretty picture.
So what kind of photographer will I be? Will I ever get to a point where I can class myself as a photographer? Do I even want to?
I often wonder if I'm on the wrong course...
Laters,
P x
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