Almost every blog I follow is doing an end of year round up and each time I read one I just feel so inadequate. Everyone seems to have achieved something this year and whilst that is undoubtedly fantastic for him or her, it leaves me pondering on my own year and what few achievements I feel I’ve scraped together.
2011 has been just another year for me. I started it on a low and I’m ending it on a low. Suffering from depression has a way of doing that to you. In the first 4 months of the year I was in a constant battle with myself over college and the relationship I wasn’t in but was still totally involved in. I was in a very toxic place which I very much needed to get out of but couldn’t. Even in the worst storms it is preferable to cling to the sharpest rock to avoid being drowned. Eventually everything came to a head and my ex-boyfriend and I walked away from each other. He sent me a message saying how he was going to work on his own issues to get better and I promised to do the same. It allowed me the respite I needed to spend my final two months of college trying to get enough work together to pass the year. Which I just about did thankfully.
In July after a painful and brief reunion with the ex, something I felt would happen on the way out to the night we would happen to see each other, we said goodbye for good and I left for Portugal for two months.
Portugal wasn’t what I expected. At first I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy where I was. I wanted so badly to go home. But eventually I began to feel better and I began to smile again. Then I took a turn for the worse, which led to a turn for the better. I began to feel great. I began to plan. My creative side woke up and the part of me that depression so masterly covers re-appeared under that Portuguese sun. I wrote and wrote, planned and planned, smiled and smiled. I got excited to come home. I felt hopeful. I felt excited by the prospect of life finally getting better.
But leaving for two months didn’t mean my problems had gone away; I’d just left them here waiting for me. Within a week of being home I was back under my depression blanket crying.
Going back to college felt painful and I felt I no longer belonged there. I tried to fit back in, tried to take up the plans I’d so eagerly made in Portugal but in the end I just didn’t want to be there anymore. So against absolutely everyone’s advice I left. I didn’t even say goodbye.
And now for this past month or two I have been here in my room feeling emptier than I have in a long while. It isn’t easy being here. I am ashamed that my life has become this. I never wanted this for myself. I just didn’t have the energy nor motivation to stop it becoming this. I have no education, no job, no prospects, no confidence and I’m still in love with someone who I can’t be with. I feel like I have little to nothing to offer anyone.
What I know I do have though is a new year ahead of me. I try not to think of resolutions and what 2012 may hold for me too much. But I want so badly to achieve something this coming year. I want at the end to look back and say, “hey I did these things and I am proud of that”. I want to not be ashamed. I want to get better.
So 2012 I’d like to suggest you and I work hard together to make this a good year for us. I’d like you to be the year I start getting my life back.
Laters,
P x
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